Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
