Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
