im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
