we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize