yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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