And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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