apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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