have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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