I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
