my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Randomize
