remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
