coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
