i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
