She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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