I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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