is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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