Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize