just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have post one night stand depression
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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