i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
