I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
