I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
