Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize