and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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