I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
