so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
