Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
