So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
