woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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