my phone needs a breathalizer
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
