What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This baby is an asshole
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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