If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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