I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
