Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
