Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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