thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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