remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I will pee on everything he values.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
