Your dad touched me again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize