$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
