Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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