I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
