I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
