im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
