im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
