Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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