I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
