The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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