As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
