she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
