I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
