Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
