I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
