Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
