Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
